An Evening With Paul Rudd

Incentive #100

Well. Paul. Rudd.

Can you believe it? I mean, can you truly believe it. I know we sure can’t. The ladies have reached their 100th barbecue incentive and we have yet to receive a peep from you or “your people.” The bitter New York Winter has kicked in, the backyard grill is covered in snow, and our collective hearts have chilled with sadness.

Le Sigh.

We remember it as if it were yesterday… or a year and a half ago. What began as an afternoon drunk on a couple $8 bottles of Los Generales tequila, ended with the glorious idea of extending an invitation to you, Paul Rudd, to see how the other half lives and to fill that fourth chair at our table. “This can actually work!” We affirmed our self worth and reveled in the dreams we created.

However, it was all a farce. The idea that the common (wo)man could even appeal to the likes of an A-list celebrity is just another harsh truth to add to our eternal depression.

We’ve been through a lot together, Paul Rudd, this not even you can deny. And you’ve been along for the mostly shitty ride of our lives living broke as hell in NYC . However, it is time for us to move on, and we have. Aubrey has flown south to the Big Easy to pursue her passions of Southern living and drinking gin and tonics at twilight in the street. Delaney  has scored a pretty sweet job working for the government in Houston, finally putting that million dollar masters to work. Jamie, well, she’s finally off almost all forms of government assistance and is back in action after spinal surgery and a 6 month bender. Oh, and remember our mixed race depressive quadroon gay neighbor? He’s even cleaned up his act; but boy you should have seen him dressed as Ziggy Stardust  and chugging scotch this past Halloween… it was a tender sight (even though he just looked like a Puerto Rican tranny in spandex).

We miss you Rudd-man, we miss what we could have had. But, like all things you love, you must set it free. We set you free Paul Rudd, fly with those big beautiful wings baby jesus made for you.

And while you are gliding on the air currents like like the puffy white dragon from our collective favorite “A Never Ending Story,” we will be populating our new website, www.aneveningwithjamesfranco.com, in hopes that this down to earth, cool cat is willing to meet us at our level. Hoping he gets us, like REALLY gets us. We hope to convince cassanova Franco to rendezvous with the three of us at a destination of his choice - it should be way easier then getting you to hop on the A train  to the Franklin stop for a barbeque fueled by food stamps.

Incentive # 99

Hey Paul Rudd-

Have you ever been super lonesome in Detroit and fell for an APOC?  Just in case you’re above acronyms, which I’m sure you are, one of the ladies fell for an assistant production office coordinator, like the dude who fucking makes your movies happen. Do you believe in true love? Are you more of a life partner kind of guy? Do you believe in circumstance or fate? I guess we can all believe in the Kinks and call it a fucking night. We love you PR, but Ray Davies has you beat by a  long shot.

Incentive #98

We’re getting down to the wire here Paul. Summer is almost over, which means we’ll spend ANOTHER windy Fall and chilly Winter piling on more and more incentives for BBQ 2012. Ugh.

Perhaps I can put this lli’ bee in your bonnet…..Jamie has some collapsed discs that are rubbing on her spine nerves and making her completely immobile and reliant on Federal Disability checks, or something like that. The point is, unlimited fucking pain pills Paul Rid. PAIN PILLS PAUL! We can eat a bunch and get chill.

Don’t worry, I’ve consulted many Pre-med friends over my party years, and I know just which ones we can drink on and not fuck up our liver… too badly.

Incentive #97

What the fuck is this cinematic gem on the horizon?! Do I smell a motherfuckin menage a trois? Or, I guess that would just be a good ol’ fashioned orgy. Clearly, Jaimie and Errol can go in the other room; so I guess that would be a menage a quatro?

Incentive #96

Jamie’s REAL tired of being bloated and is going gluten-free!!! So come on over for some shitty rice crackers, a lack of pizza boxes in the recycling bin and some necessary googling.

Incentive #95

It’s summer in Bedstuy Paul Rudd! It’s getting hot, but we can do this all weekend long!  And if you have the urge to pee…..its none of my business.

And, if I want to take a guy home with me tonight, it’s none of your business. And if you, wanna be a feak and sell it on the weekend, its none of my business. Now you shouldn’t even get into who I’m givin’ skins to, it’s none of your business.

Incentive #94

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY PAUL RUDD!  We would have invited you over to celebrate your special day On April 6th, but we have already done so about 100 times. Instead we decided to do something special: We will not be complete jerks for this post, Incentive #94, on our asshole casserole blog devoted to getting you to come over for a BBQ. (A one time only offer!)

We think your campaign to accept age matching donations for the American Cancer Society instead of birthday gifts is pretty cool… so cool we would be assholes not to share it with our friends and followers.

Support Paul Rudd’s Birthday Crowdrise Project for the American Cancer Society. Oh, and as an added bonus Paul and Crowdrise have added a Win a Video Chat with Paul Rudd contest to the campaign. OMG, can you imagine?!

Incentive #93

So…I hear someone fancies some scrabble. Well, quite honestly, we’re really no good at word games…unless of course our short-lived $1 curse jar counts. However, we can be competitive if needed, and if there was anyway to turn boring-old-grandma-snoozeville-scrabble into a drinking game, we’ll tear that motherfucker up. If we build a life size scrabble board in our backyard, will you come Paul Rudd? We could hire some day laborers to help us out. How many points does the word “fartsville” get you?

Incentive #92

We watched How Do You Know this week, Paul Rudd.  That movie is absolute shit.

Incentive #91

Sorry for our absence Paul Rudd. We have been overwhelmingly busy learning valuable life lessons via poor life decisions. We have accumulated a lot of street smarts recently and are anxious to teach you a thing or two at our BBQ. As a teaser, we’ll let you in on one of last nights lessons…

Poor Life Choice #1: You decide to go “home” with a dude from the bar because the late night weekend trains are not running due to construction and you don’t have enough money for a cab home. 

Unexpected Twist: You have to flee from the dude’s band practice space that he’s calling home because the situation gets WEIRD, i.e. he’s “just looking for love” and is pissed that his ex-girlfriend’s new facebook profile pic features another man… so he wants to know if you “just wanna go to sleep and bang real hard in the morning?”… and he can’t seem to stand without the help of the wall… and he intensely needs to know if you like Guided By Voices. You get the hell out of there.

Lesson #1:  THIS IS WHY WE DON’T LEAVE OUR HOUSE.

Set Change: You are now alone in a strange neighborhood, in the dark of the morning, during the low peak of the day’s chilling temperatures. Guess what? The trains are still fucked and you still don’t have cab fare. You also only have 2 minutes left on the charge of your cell phone.  WHO DO YOU CALL?! 

…and there begins Poor Life Choice #2 where you’ll slowly and sadly learn Lesson #2, and the sunrise will be far from beautiful.

Come over Paul Rudd and learn from our mistakes. We really shouldn’t leave the house.

Incentive #90

Do you know what P.O.S. stands for Paul Rudd? It doesn’t stand for point of sale reference, you probably have worked retail in the past and that may have came to your mind first. No, it stands for Piece of Shit. Some of the ladies like to refer to ourselves as P.O.S.’s first thing in the morning when we awake from a slumber and remember all the  bullshit that we did the night before. For instance, why does Aubrey have glass in her foot and awoke in a strange land….because she just might be a P.O.S. Why is there a preemptive puke pan by Jamie’s bed….possibly because she’s a P.O.S. And Delaney, her foot is still swollen? Oh yeah, because rumor has it she’s a P.O.S.

Aubrey received this email from our unemployed, gay friend. This is a classic P.O.S. move in case you don’t get it quite yet:

“Need those clippers so I can Luke Wilson myself in bathroom after getting home at 530am, from the city where i was blowing lines of adderall and straight dudes with prince alberts while watching “to catch a predator” followed by “cash cab” on tv.
Also one of the roommates came home and said “Great! That faggot from the party is here”

ps we got find that cash cab…”

Incentive #89

We just don’t learn Paul Rudd. You see, we’ve sworn off FOUR LOKO several times.

-There was the time we secretly spiked our holiday party mulled wine with Fruit Punch flavored FL and chinese herbs to help jumpstart your menstrual cycle; our guests were not stoked to say the least.

-There was the time that Aubrey got fired after drinking an Orange FL  that was imported from Pittsburg as a New Year’s gift. We need not go into the capers that caused her work demise.

But, somehow we just don’t learn. It’s like eating the sweet fruit from the forbidden tree; you know it’s wrong, but the taste of the nectar throws all caution to the wind. If only we were all still nude in the Garden of Eden giving names to God’s creatures.  But that’s not the case….Instead we’re having 4 LOKO “tasting parties” on Winter nights when we know better than to ingest colors that are not found in nature.

Incentive #88

We like to surround ourselves with little positive pointers on how to live our life. Here’s one tip that Jamie keeps as her screensaver. Shall we leave a positive pointer on the fridge for your arrival? Or tacked to the front door? It will be akin to Elijah’s Seder plate….in place and awaiting your midnight arrival.

Incentive #87

Snow days bring Irish Whiskey and comedy PR! Just check out last night’s antics.

Aubrey: mbprffom (indiscernable mumble)

Jamie: What did you say?

Aubrey: I’m not talking to you, I’m talking to the one on the left.

Jamie: What? What’s on the left?

Aubrey: There’s 2 of you Jamie! I’m talking to the one on the left, she’s taller, and I like her better.

An hour later Jamie’s makeshift closet that wobbles upon her funhouse-floor room was destroyed…at the hands of Aubrey, and Delaney’s thigh bore a bite mark…at the mouth of Aubrey. On such snow days, Paul,  we can only rewatch all 11 seasons of Law and Order  SVU (streaming on netflix) before we fall prey to cabin fever.